It's almost been a year since I've been back in the United States after 5 years in Guatemala. I flew back to Texas June 28, 2016, knowing it was the right thing to do and what God had for me, but I was not prepared for what was next...the adjustment, the guilt, the resentment, the tears, the loneliness, the uncertainty, the stress, the sense of failure. I understand more why God doesn't reveal things to us. Had I known what was in store, I would have put up a fight and said no gracias! This past year was year 6 of teaching and by far the most challenging in so many ways! Do I have regrets? Do I wish things had been different? I say no (with only a bit of hesitation), because I have learned a lot about the Lord and myself. This is always easier to say when you're on the other side of a difficult situation.
This blog seems outdated and irrelevant, and yet I don't want to get rid of it. It captures some of my first thoughts and reactions to initial experiences in Guatemala. What it doesn't really capture is the day-to-day life that came to be so normal. I got to a point where I didn't feel like my life was worth publicly writing about, because "being a missionary" in Guatemala started to look like everyday life. Maybe that was one of the lessons God wanted to teach me.
I keep holding onto Guatemala, and maybe I am wrong in doing so. I don't feel like doors to Guatemala are closed, and I like it that way. Am I remembering things better than they were? Probably in some ways. I felt like it was necessary to leave the school, but I was open to stay in Guatemala had I found another job. Interesting that I keep trying to get out of teaching, but God keeps saying stick with it. Right now, I am trying to live with palms up, because in that position God is able to give and take away. I am trying to trust Him in it all.
Right now the chalkboard in the kitchen has Psalm 73:25-26 and 28 written on it as a daily reminder of what I want to be true for myself.
...there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength (rock) of my heart and my portion forever...for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.
Before that it was the following quote:
He is bigger than the pain that aches within us. He is more lovely than all the things we are envious of. He is stronger than the grip of loneliness. He sees. He knows. He is enough.
Until next time...you can now read along at This Beautiful Mess.
